everything

if anything was any different from now,

i would wish for this.

with you.

a

king

a king, the feeling you have made me into,
an empire i shall build for you.

a

"one": inspired by a conversation with yasmin ahmad

like how one simple song can transform moods,
how one common word can trigger many emotions,
how one single thought item can generate a plethora of ideas;
it only takes one person to inspire thousands.

rest in peace, yasmin.
(1958-2009)
...and we just hold on.

a

200709

life as you know it keeps on intensifying, but yet
i still seek for the possibility that's disappearing, coz at
zero-gravity when i'm with you is still one of the best
things, i've ever had.





a

i dream in 3D

“We shape our buildings; thereafter they shape us.”

realisation

initially my days with or without you were thought to be irrelevant,
thoughts at first seemed insignificant,
but now i quickly realise the real, the unconquerable and the unbeatable

- that i'm only in denial.

a

collision

ideally, should two minds collide, energy is exchanged and therefore change should be inevitable.

when the emotions of two individuals sum up into one, a new distinct emotion should come into being.

so only when there's collision that causes fusion involving the mind and emotions between two individuals, we'll start encountering the process of immortalisation that we all instinctively seek.

a

lovers' equilibrium

a

journal entry #98

i'm here and you're there. and our heads are everywhere. and this is beyond repair - because about us, i don't think nature cares.

but we can't really let go. we're dangerously enjoying the ride, though. just going wherever, to whatever direction it flows.

so leave, and i'll leave. but can we really?

a

experience

"...life is like playing a violin solo in public and learning the instrument as one goes on..."
samuel butler

a

as zero hour amplifies reasons

a

melodic words: part three

"and how in the world did you come / to be such a lazy love?"

sleeping? / glen hansard

"there's no point trying to fight it / when your mind's made up.
so, if you ever want something / and you call / then i'll come running."
when your mind's made up / glen hansard

transitions

a few times in our lives, we encounter moments where significant life changing decisions will have to be made. whether it be out of a mind-boggling dilemma, or something that you don't have to think twice about, these are times of meeting with life's turning points. points where it would set a new tangent in your journey, whether the unknown outcome be for the worse or better. this thought process while we experience these life-changing phases is part of our journey's transition: a psychological limbo.

of course, whatever decision we make is always based on a positive outcome, but because the human evolutional state is not as advanced as we'd like it to be, there is going to be an extent of uncertainty that comes along with going into a new place. this transitional period involving the mind moving at no less than 1000km/hr, usually contains a designer-drug-like concoction of emotions: some exciting, some motivating, with a touch of leftover feeling of the current life thats about to be history, and that occasional anxiety of entering something that may be of unfamiliar territory.

that said, we're not filing this under anything adverse, or even anything good for that matter. we're just acknowledging it of it's existence. this psychological 'waiting time' usually feels seemingly empty but the brain probably subconsciously rides through this period reflecting on the recent past, and preparing itself of the relatively unknown near-future - thus explaining the possible unfamiliar behaviours, emotions and thoughts during the transition.

we feel it, we can't avoid it, we go through it. but how do we handle it? i say, embrace this exciting transitional state-of-mind while it lasts, and congratulations on your decision.

a

lost for words

and i really don't know what to feel right now

because you're not here

and our words are reduced to mere static noises

what piano sonata should i write to hear you sing

for my strums on the guitar are wearing thin,

because as long as the music is not heard

my universe would be without words.

a

let the breeze in

a

melodic words: part two

"oily marks appear on walls where pleasure moments hung before"
hide and seek / imogen heap



"thank god for mom and dad for sticking two together 'cause we don't know how"
hey ya / outkast



"i am covered in skin, no one gets to come in"
colorblind / counting crows

If you were a stranger.....

Would I still find solace in your charm?
Would I notice the gleam in your eyes?
Would I be affected by your every move?
Or would I experience a strong aura, baffled by the emanation.

If you were a stranger asking for the time,
Would I move my glance away from the watch,
To notice the beauty of your mind.
Would I be oblivious to your gentle voice,
Would I simply be too consumed in the pulling effect,
wondering if my prescription needed change...

If you were a stranger, I would be bound to meet you in time.
It would feel like I've found what I had lost,
It would make dreams transcend with reality
To be finally and formally reaquainted
with the stranger who was never a stranger after all.

....I didn't know where all the frustration was leading to but I was determined to get to the Finish line. I reckon that I'd do better at 100 m dashes but I knew how some preserverence can pay off a great deal. So assured of this,was I prepared to embrace all the anguish...

Little did I realize that restoring faith one too many times not only require an enormous amount of strength, but also a hint of courage. With the flicker of hope I had left in me,I kept going and not realize that I was already past the Finish line...

....and I still keep going...

box: a manifesto

i've always been fascinated with the age-old concept of 'thinking outside the box'. more often than not, this mentality has been responsible for bringing out the freshest, the most innovative and the revolutionary. getting outside the comfort zone had been the (almost sure-shot) solution to challenge oneself.

all is well, BUT, of course, the problem now is, we live in a modern world where 'strive to be different' has become such a norm to the point of cliche. 'avant garde' is becoming as common as sex on valentine's day. suddenly, it's not so special anymore. suddenly, everyone seems to be thinking outside the box.

so how do keep ourselves hovered in a world of heavy air traffic? how do we stand out in a pallette of bright colours? we should always get inspired by the difficult, but when everything else has become too easy, how do we challenge ourselves in a place where 'comfort' has already been residing outside the common 'zone'?

welcome: the box - the very thing that we've been reared to get out of. the psychology of true innovation in the brave new world now is back in the box. where competition is high in that space outside the box, the real challenge now is to be inside the box and still giving those ideals outside a run for their money.

the theory is simple: 'avant garde' and 'different' has always had the cool factor, but has a history of alienating the mainstream. the ultimate idealogy now then lies in developing the same avant garde BUT at the same time preserving mass wide appreciation at most if not, all levels. this is the very concept of staying inside the box while competing with people outside the box, and if you can succeed doing this, you've just pushed the boundaries to another whole dimension, for yourself and everything else associated with it.

'thinking outside the box' is easy enough these days. it's achieving what's outside the box while being 'inside' and having all this limitations, is the new real challenge.

a

Stimuli

In between the realms of reality & lucid dreams,
i pinch myself hard at trying to encumber all sense of the current.
just a moment ago i had been intertwined with the harshness
of the heat and the stench of perspiration,
and now i am witnessing the cool breeze that awakens my spirit;
which had been in slumber for far too long.

Familiar grounds..

Things do not seem as foreign as I expected,
yet my exhaustion does not permit my excitement to take form.
Maybe because i know this is not rightfully mine

But even if so,
Just feels like I've never left...

sometimes (rules don't apply)

sometimes some places and some people have ways of making you feel guilty. it's as if there's this non-existent box with a strict unwritten law about something that isn't actually unnecessary, nor does it have a logical reason behind it - and sooner or later you start to question yourself whether you should be doing it - when all this while you have been and everything's ok.

rules are important, limitations are there for a reason, but when something needs to be done and only results matter, superficial restrictions should be do without. with the karma-proof approach of 'as long as no harm is done' is in place, everything else shouldn't matter. sometimes over-detailing takes some magic off the beauty of the bigger picture.

so why stop when you're on a roll? so why not repeat when we know it has worked before? and what's wrong with not worrying when it's for our own contentment? sometimes, some things just has to be done.

a

connecting you now

whether we like or not, agree or disagree, or even realise it or not, we, recently in the past decade or so especially, have been connected to a lot more information, people as well as ideals in this new era of technological fuckery, than ever. everything is embedded with this notion of being in the future perfect world where there's only one language, style and taste. true enough, but we're achieving it with the most damaging problem solving medium man has ever created: electronically.

this security blanket of 'needing to feel connected' that us humans have started to just recently depend on just turned into addiction. we slowly find ourselves taking it as a life and death matter to make sure we read our favourite blogs every morning while having our morning soy cafe lattes, while 5 years ago, we probably didnt even care for people in the world who drink coffee with soy milk.

from gossip bloggers to online gamers, from online shopaholics to facebook addicts, and from movie leechers to music pirates, chances are we now belong to at least one of these categories, if not all (!).

i know, there are one or two good things that we can only do now because of the internet, but most of the time we fail to acknowledge that some abuse that we do on daily basis is slowly going into a grey area. i can definitely sit here for another hour or so, just rambling randomly away and try to argue what's wrong and what's right, but in the end i'm not a caped crusador and you're not gotham city, so nobody really cares if that new Bloc Party album is being downloaded for free 'illegally' (unless of course you were personally involved in the making of it, but hey that's another entirely different blog post altogether).

so really, if we ourselves don't care if we're fast becoming a breed of internet junkies, who would? well, from the googalisation of modern society (have you seen streetView? that shit is cool) that we've seen in the past few years, my best bet would probably be the pandora's box that is the internet herself. i mean look at me: im posting my dissatisfaction about the very medium i'm writing on right now. this is beyond irony - this is sheer mind fuck.

so if you please excuse me, i'm gonna go google myself while waiting for that new tarantino movie download to finish. oh, and please, all i need to be 'connected' to the world everyday is a mug of long black coffee with 2 sugars in the morning. kanye west's blog comes second, ok?

a

money

02:55 "...you don't care about money because you've always had it."
the aviator (2004)

a

the sun is out and i'm hearing your song on the radio

"what could be better than right this minute" is the question i find myself asking this morning. just 12 hours ago we were on a different vibe entirely - we talked of how your life direction isn't going where you planned it to go, and how we were trying to figure you out a way out of this lifestyle that you're "beginning to outgrow". just hold on, i said. when you've exhausted all possible solutions and you have done all you can within your reach to make everything better, sometimes you should just pause, sit back, and just wait. and this morning your song played on the radio. yes, after 5 years of seemingly useless persistence, patience, good and bad times, emotional rollercoasters, this morning together we finally heard you on the radio for the first time.

i can only imagine how it's feeling for you. i'm feeling like i'm at the top of the world right now for you and i guess what's going on in your head right now is maybe even trickling into a different universe right now! right now i see this girl twirling with euphoric excitement in the living room, turning up the radio, frantically texting her friends, and then trying to come to terms with this reality, forcing herself to wake up from a lazy saturday morning daze with her usual espresso and cigarettes. you are oh-so-human.

what a switch of emotions from last night! such turns of events seem sudden, but if you look at it from a wider angle, it was all going to go through anyway. sometimes we've got to understand - that wait, that gap, that gray space, that time of uncertainty, is part of the process as well. at times the result may be negative, other times glorious; but regardless of what it is, we should sometimes let time play a part as well.

"just hold on" were the words that took us through this and these same words will take myself endure my own trying times. i thank you for letting me on this inspiring emotional rollercoaster ride with you. we'll see what comes after this, because after the wait, comes the next chapter.

a

melodic words: part one

"...countdown as the weeks trickle into days."
my happiness / powderfinger




"you're a slave to the money then you die."
bittersweet symphony / the verve




"...something i've not seen, something infinitely interesting."
echo / incubus

My temporary fix

Tonight as I lay peacefully amidst the showering rain,
Almost taken aback by the wondrous creation’s breeze,
I think of the numerous memoirs I have etched,
Filling and storing my once vacant head space,
Some moments felt like they were gonna last forever,
But I’m not naïve to know that nothing lasts forever.

Tonight as I lay by the glistening rain,
Wondering if this one will turn into a storm,
But if even so believing it would eventually lead to the good feel of after-rain,
For they did not lie about the calm after the storm,
Then a thundering sensation sweeps me off my couch at my realization,
Thus I could not lie still any longer, and stood up from my slumber.

Amused at discovering that tonigt when I lay listening to the pouring rain,
My rain was really the water gushing through the massive drain outside,
Drain or rain, oh well, provided me with the fix that I needed.

art: a total mindfuck.

an artist is forever cursed by this notion called 'passion'. this potentially life-changing, sometimes fortune-making and other times life-threatening, although satisfying, element of life itself brings more chaos to the mind more than what it is intended to.

like a recreational drug, it's as if it's designed to get someone interested in 'what it can do for you', get hooked on it, prioritise it over everything else - taking you on this never-ending journey of finding the ultimate trip, even if it means harming you in the process. and most artists don't mind. pure evil addiction.

art doesn't only exist because of artistic individuals' embedded need to 'create' and 'express'. it also exists because with every art there is an audience (or an audience intended for it). this idea of 'third party appreciation' therefore brings us to another dark side art that joe & jane public rarely see: the psychology behind the commercialisation of art. this seem to have become more and more notoriously necessary today where no art gets away with really being freeform anymore whether it be visual, writing or sound. consumers are being exposed to a massive plethora of genres, thus indirectly, evolving them to have certain preferences; creating extreme purists and limiting art appreciation as a whole. though this may seem harmless on the surface, due to this, most artists today tend to have the cliche fear of going 'outside the box', for the simple reason that they 'may decrease appreciation'. what once seem 'ideal to do' - creating something entirely 'new' - has now become 'a risk to take' - causing the creation of something 'safe'. therefore explaining the watered-down de-evolution state of art in these modern times.

creating art is a process of immortalisation. the more indispensable that creation is, the higher the cost of that process tend to be. time and effort suddenly are scarce, weirdly enough for something that's going to last 'for eternity'. all levels of obsessiveness come into play, all degrees of analysis are factored in, and all layers of details are being deconstructed - all of which is the price of immortalisation.

a total mindfuck. most artists would die for their art. that is if their art won't kill them first.

a

s e l f l e s s n e s s

so i was having dinner at a local pizzeria tonight,and there was a table of Monks having theirs on the other end. And it was just so tempting to pull one out and ask what the secret to achieving constant enlightenment and tranquility is.Teach me how to reach Nirvana,please! To have zero ego and not be the least bit affected by all these unnecessary distractions.Pretty sure its possible and not too difficult,plus it would be very much worthwhile having to live without any more drama.Then it occured to me, ' I ain't gonna really have to sit under no Bodhi Tree' to get there.That equal balance does exist and no meditation round-the-clock is required.That what you're already doing is leading to the Right track and too much worry is just nonessential.That there are so many other current vital things to be focused on.Things that mattered to the future. To the part where bills had to be continously paid, for even the Monk wants to arrive to a level that is his comfort zone in all senses in order to give back to society.(And even the Monk desires to drive a Ferrari.)

seems that selflessness speaks of no hints in being selfish to other people, but is in fact the kind of attitude that knows how to prioritize the self when it is highly due.When it is essential but otherwise and sometimes mistaken for egotistical behaviour.If we only realize and learn how to appreciate ourselves more and recognize our strengths and not let anyone else,not even the Folks dictate how our Lives should be run.To self revolutionize our weaknesses and pain and transform them into an elixir of life.And to be shared with as many people deserving or otherwise. The manual is already in our hearts if we only knew where to search.However we must also be able to not only forgive,but to forget. Releasing all forms of anger inside.They never forget to mention this,and they sure were not lying either.Even when your judgment is heavily clouded in times of distress and these bouts may occur and sometimes emerge, it's best to think that there is that light at the end of the Tunnel.And even if it is raining outside the Tunnel, the Sun will always reappear.And sometimes what we really need in order to survive,is really just the Sun...

journal entry #85

today was more like a walk in the park compared to the previous days. there wasn't any gripping movie-like scene in the morning, but a new soul emerged in the afternoon. she smiled. and like a gust of cool wind signifying weather change, a new hope spawned - foolishly, repeatedly, lesson unlearnt - i willingly fall back into this ignorant bliss. let me be for a few minutes. let me be.

a

If I could...

If I could measure the tears that has trickled and flowed because of him,
I would have drowned a dozen cities.
If I could measure the pain that has been inflicted by him,
I would have died a great number of wars.
If I could calculate the amount of dough spent for him,
I would have been able to build a Golden Empire,
If I could recollect all the good memories spent with him,
I would have ended up with an empty can of mackerel.
If I could think of the good that he has done for me,
It will surely not overweigh the bad.
If I could remember each minute spent with him,
I'd feel like I've wasted half of my entire lifetime.
If I could gather the sacrifices I've made for him,
It would be equivalent to that of 1000 warriors,
If I could ever find the heart to forgive him,
It would be a miracle.

"...everything's gonna be alright..."

is definitely not what i'm after in this modern era of immediacy. although the concept of a "better future" does look nice and dreamy - and modern humans have been reared with this mentality for a good few hundred years now - i find myself searching for a better "now".

looking into the future seems like a 1900s (more so in the 1990s) thing to do, where everything was planned, meant and designed for the 2000s. Kubrick envisioned an entirely different 2001, a geeky futuristic gadget tv show was named 'Beyond 2000', and even Prince told us to party like it's 1999. wishful thinking? i call it the pre-millennium syndrome. a time where uncertainty was a certain thing in our minds.

while we hope that "everything's going to be alright", subconsciously, the embedded procrastinating nature in us quickly triggers itself, causing us to go into "wait mode". this time-wasting mechanism just pisses me off every single time. "going to be" is no longer good enough. the future is here, and alright is now; regardless of the weather, emotional condition or physical situation you're in.

today, 8 years have passed and i still don't see flying cars. in 1999, i did party like it was 1999 and the millennium bug didn't cause all the computers to turn against humans and kill us all. i say fuck the future. the time is now.

a